Originally published, December 2009

 

Wedding planning was a nightmare for me. I wanted the whole shebang and, while my husband wasn’t resistant to the fuss, he had never once attended a wedding. Not one. He didn’t have a clue what was involved. Worse, we had just found out that he would be deploying soon and we wanted to get married before he left. We had six weeks to plan a destination wedding with 75 guests. (Because I refused to budge on having a real wedding.)

At every decision, instead of simply voicing an opinion, he asked a question – even about the things that you wouldn’t think were questionable. When I told him to pick some groomsmen, he asked me why. I explained that I had bridesmaids and they needed groomsmen to balance them out. Then he asked why I had bridesmaids. Up until a few days after the wedding he thought the bridesmaids were supposed to come clean our house. Seriously.

He wanted to know why he had to wear a tuxedo. Then he didn’t think his tux should match the groomsmens’ tuxedos because my dress wasn’t going to match the bridesmaids’ dresses. After that line of questioning I bought him a book called Grooms for Dummies or something like that, and every time he had a stupid question about a time-honored tradition I just referred him back to the book. Too bad Wikipedia wasn’t around then.

All of that’s to say that I’m starting to realize that incessant questioning is probably a genetic trait.

If you should drive by my house now, you’ll notice that it looks awesome. It is bedecked with garland, bows, wreaths and little white lights on the outside. On the inside there’s a fully decorated tree, more garland, stockings, some nativity sets and various other Christmas junk. I’m feeling a little smug, I gotta admit. But the decorating hasn’t been easy because at each step of the way Bo, my five-year-old son, has asked me to explain everything. Ev-ery-thing.This is the first year that he’s really been aware of Christmas and he is maxing it out.

“Why do we have a Christmas tree?”

“Why do we put ornaments on the tree?”

“What are stockings?”

“Why would Santa put gifts in a stocking?” and

“Why are they on the fireplace?”

And so forth and so on.

It has forced me to rethink all of the holiday traditions. I’ve read enough about Christmas history to know some of the back stories but, really, when you think about it, it all is pretty weird.

We chop down a tree, haul it into the house and then hang little figurines and lights on it. We put giant socks that no one could ever actually wear in front of a fire so that a fat bearded guy in a red suit can put presents in them – after he slides down the chimney, oh, because his flying deer are parked on the roof, you know, because that’s the fastest way for him to get to every house in the entire world in one night.

At my house we also have a little elf that comes and goes every night to report back to Santa about Bo’s  behavior and the elf plants himself somewhere different every morning. And we do it all, why? That’s right — because the Messiah was born in a barn in Israel 2,000 years ago.

What do we take these kids for, idiots?

Apparently.

But it’s fun for the kids and the adults, so we keep doing it every year.

This year I gathered all of our Christmas books into a pile and every night before bed I read Bo a different Christmas story – just to hammer all the magic in. Last night I read him The Velveteen Rabbit, one of my all time favorite stories. For those who’ve forgotten the story, a little boy gets a stuffed rabbit doll for Christmas and then he loves it so much that the rabbit becomes real.

On average I’d say I eked out about four words before each new question. I stopped counting the questions at 32. It was a 25-page book. The questions started with “What is ‘velveteen’?” (My answer: “It’s like velvet.” Which was followed, of course, with “What is velvet?”And have you ever tried to explain velvet? A few more months of this and I could write a dictionary.)

Anyway, as the story progressed Bo’s questions increased right along with his horror. (“They’re going to burn the bunny? That’s mean! What would they burn the bunny? What are germs? Why don’t they just put him in the washing machine? Why don’t they have a washing machine? When were washing machines invented? Who invented them?”) So I thought that Bo would be placated and comforted and all would be well when we got to the part where the rabbit becomes real. Bo has at least a dozen stuffed animals in his bed at any given time and he likes to pretend that they’re all real, so I thought he’d really be into the end of the story.

Oh, no, no, no.

To his little mind The Velveteen Rabbit was just a Victorian version of the movie “Child’s Play”. I didn’t pick up on his fright right away and so I stupidly asked him if he would like for his toys to become real some day, thinking that the mere suggestion would throw him into fits of sugar-plum Christmas magic. Instead, it sent him to the sort of place where Haley Joel Osment saw dead people.

“No,” he said, his eyes wide as he slowly shook his head. “Toys are toys, Mommy. They shouldn’t become real.”

“But don’t you want your toys to be real?” I asked.

“No,” he said, definitively. “They outnumber me. They might take over everything and destroy the house. And the teddy bears would turn into real bears and they would growl at me and eat me.”

I had to admit that there was a certain logic to what he was saying.

“Mommy, I don’t want my toys to become real,” he said. “What can I do to make them stay toys?”

“As long as you don’t love them you should be okay,” I said, instantly feeling a little guilty for warping the Christmas magic.

But this new approach to toy ownership might make life much easier for me come spring cleaning/consignment sale time. And I can’t imagine that Bo is going to beg me to drop another $50 in Build A Bear Workshop anytime soon.

Which is magical enough for me.

Originally published December 21, 2009

 

Three Kings

My son was really excited after church Sunday because he said he had been the loudest one in his Sunday School class’ nativity reenactment. His teacher agreed.

“He was the loudest one we’ve ever had,” she said, smiling.

The teachers had assigned roles for each child to play in their lesson about the birth of Jesus. Bo, apparently, had played his part with great enthusiasm.

“Which part did you play,” I asked him, thinking that if he described his role as “loud” maybe he had been the angel with the famous, “And lo, from the east …” line that is something of a rite of passage for every American child. But who was I kidding? As if any teacher would look at Bo, who is always either tormenting some other child or dreaming up new forms of torment, and think, “Angel…he’s perfect for the Angel part.”

“Guess,” he told me, but I couldn’t think of any other speaking parts.

“Were you Joseph?” I asked, hoping he’d say no because Joseph is the usually the most shafted character in the nativity story. Sometimes he is left out completely. I have several nativity sets that didn’t even come with a Joseph. It’s like it was simply Joseph’s job in the Bible to lead the laboring Mary and her donkey to the stable, rearrange the hay in the manger and then just stand off to the side and let history play out, never to be heard from again. Actually, I guess that was exactly Joseph’s job in the Bible. Anyway, I don’t recall Joseph ever saying anything in any Christmas program I’ve ever seen. If Bo had been a “loud” Joseph then the whole scene had probably been a disaster.

“No. Guess again,” Bo said.

I went through all the characters – wise men, shepherds, Mary, Baby Jesus, but Bo said no to all.

Finally I gave up and said, “Bo just tell me which part you played.”

“I was the cow,” he said, with great pride. I cracked up laughing, picturing my little boy being the loudest, most enthusiastic cow to ever witness to the birth of Jesus.

“MOO!!!!” he screamed, demonstrating. As if I needed an example of a loud holy cow. He moo’d the whole way home, reliving his stage debut, I guess. By the time we got back to the house I was sorry that I hadn’t seen it for myself. But (and here comes the sappy part) such is the parenting experience.

We never get to see every little thing our children do. Even those of us who are lucky enough to spend lots of time with our kids still miss huge chunks of their lives. I learned of Bo’s first steps on a daily progress report from the teachers in his mother’s day out class, which he only attended for three hours on one day each week. He had chosen those three hours as the best time for him to step out into the world. Right beneath the details of his bottles and bowel movements that day one of the teachers had scrawled, “Bo took three steps today.” I pasted that form into his baby book in lieu of a photo of the momentous occasion.

I was very sad to have missed seeing those steps. That’s why the saddest thing for me during deployments is all the stuff that my husband misses seeing. I’m a pretty good story teller and I try to recount in as many details as I can everything that happens so my husband will feel like he was there, too. Sometimes I tell the story so effectively that months or years later he recalls the details and we both forget for a second that he didn’t actually see it happen. But, when something amazing or amusing happens while he is deployed, my first thought is always how sad it is for him that he didn’t get to experience it. My second thought is how sad it is for the kids that he wasn’t there to share the moment with them. And my third thought is how sad it is for me that I don’t have anyone to nudge and laugh with over what just happened. I suppose my fourth thought is how I will describe it when I get a chance to talk to him again.

This Christmas, like many before, lots of families are separated by distance and war. Lots of kids have been performing in Christmas plays that one or both parents have had to miss. Lots of kids will be fighting with their siblings for the attention of the one parent who is home. Lots of moms will be trying to balance a video camera while installing batteries in new electronics or fumbling with the maddening zip ties that keep toys shackled to cardboard boxes.

And “over there”, lots of soldiers, airmen, Marines, sailors, civilians and contractors will have one all-too-short phone call during which to hear as many details about their families’ Christmas celebrations as can be recalled. They’ll check their emails several times throughout the day, in hopes of receiving bleary-eyed Christmas morning pictures. They’ll get off the phone and tell their buddies with pride about all that’s going on back home, including as many details as they can, telling the story as if they had been there themselves. Then they’ll go back to work and hope that the day – and the deployment – passes as quickly as possible.

Merry Christmas to all of you, and especially to those of you who are spending Christmas with your loved ones on the phone. Whether it’s your first or your fourth (or more) Christmas apart, may it be as merry as possible. To those at home: Take and send lots of pictures and note and share as many details as possible. And to those away: Please stay safe and healthy, and remember that it won’t be like this forever.

08. December 2014 · Comments Off · Categories: Uncategorized

My latest Must Have Parent Column:

Five hours into sorting Barbie shoes and Legos I had an epiphany: What if this year we were a military family who really embraced the idea of giving?

And by that I mean, what if this year my family looked for ways to give our possessions away?

I have ulterior motives here.

My kids have way too many toys — and this month they’ll get even more. This fact kept painfully presenting itself in the form of Legos embedding into my bare feet.

We have no room in the playroom for more dolls or Nerf guns. No shelf space for new games and puzzles.  No empty bins in which to store this year’s freshman class of Squinkies, My Little Ponies and Pokemon cards.

READ MORE HERE: http://www.military.com/spouse/relationships/parenting-tips/for-military-families-tis-the-season-for-purging.html?ESRC=spouse.sm

17. February 2014 · Comments Off · Categories: Uncategorized

 

What-what??!!

I get to write a parenting column for Military.com?!!

And I get to use it to talk about Must-Have and Must-Do parents?

Say it ain’t so, Jethro.

Parenting ain’t always 50/50. Many (most?) of us have to divvy it up differently.

So check out my new column. I really want you to join me in this new adventure and I can’t wait to hear your thoughts.

http://www.military.com/spouse/military-life/how-did-i-get-to-be-the-must-have-parent.html?comp=7000022917103&rank=1

I’m so proud to be married to a ‘Daddy’ like the one in this post. We recently took an amazing trip to Fiji that required first flying to L.A., but we got Zone C on our sold out Southwest Flight on Christmas Eve  — so there would be no sitting together. My husband ended up in a row with a boy who was about 2. I sat in the row behind him. The boy squirmed and made noise, and hubs didn’t mind. But I knew he’d be fine with that. Then the real test came: the mom opened a pumped bottle of breast milk, and the milk sprayed all over my guy. (Yes, a stranger’s breast milk.) He just smiled and quietly wiped it off. She apologized profusely and reached for a cloth to help him clean up, but to get it she had to ask him to hold the toddler — who, it turns out, had already leaked through his diaper, leaving my husband with a wet lap, as well. (More bodily fluids from strangers — and all of this during the first few minutes of what would be more than 24 hours of traveling. He wouldn’t have a chance to shower or change clothes for a long, long time.) I watched it all go down through a crack between the seats — with amusement, horror and pride. Finally the little boy started to nod off, but it soon became clear to everyone that the kid would only stay asleep if he held on to my husband’s finger. And so that’s what he did — all the way from Baltimore to L.A. Love that man!

 

13. December 2013 · Comments Off · Categories: Uncategorized

Army Spc. Michael Fashion holds his daughter Malia, 5, upon his return home last month after a deployment in Afghanistan.<br />

 

 

CNN.com let me share my thoughts on the Ryan Murray budget deal and suggestions by others that military pay and benefits be cut. Check out my opinion piece:

Today the House of Representatives approved a budget deal that, among other things, will cut military retirement pay by about $83,000 for enlisted and $124,000 for officers. I’ll be saying a whole lot more about this in the coming days, but for now you can read this story on CNN.com. I’m quoted about halfway down.

17. October 2013 · Comments Off · Categories: Uncategorized

Still unclear about what’s going on in DC? Join the club. No one understands what our so-called leaders are doing. But, I tried to make some sense of yesterday’s Senate deal with this story for Military Spouse Magazine.

 

http://www.militaryspouse.com/articles/no-winners/

15. October 2013 · Comments Off · Categories: Uncategorized · Tags: , , , , ,

Check out the post I wrote this week for SpouseBuzz:

My friend Molly Blake, a fellow military spouse, and I put our brains together to write this piece on The Huffington Post. It’s an open letter to Barbara Starr, but it’s really a letter to Americans,  and especially to those contemplating starting a war with Syria. Please read it and share it with your friends.